Santa Denies Cyber Attack rumors

Santa Claus Denies North Pole Hit by Chinese Cyber-Attacks

Washington – The Dow Jones plunged 368 points on a wild day of trading Friday on rumors the Chinese had hacked into Santa Claus’ computers to obtain names and addresses of children all over the world.  Experts in Intelligence and cyber security both agreed that if this were the case, China could have major leverage over the rest of the world.  Fearing the plunge would continue during Christmas week, President Obama made a special plea to Santa Claus to confirm or deny the reports “for the good of the world economy and the world in general.” In an extraordinary gesture of good will, Santa Claus granted President Obama’s request and scheduled a press conference on Monday, the 21st.  While Santa did not attend himself, a spokeself  made an initial statement, then opened the floor to reporter questions.

To say the press conference was explosive would be an understatement.  Santa’s spokeself began by denying that there had been any breaches into the North Pole data center, as he called it.  “NPDC has never been breached by anyone,” the spokeself said.  The spokeself went on to explain this is because the North Pole Data Center exists in another dimension of space/time meaning the most sophisticated hackers in the world could not even begin to come close to hacking the North Pole systems.  The spokeself, who did not identify himself, went on to say that the North Pole had used Chinese government information systems to verify the location of some 150,000 children as there was some ambiguity in that regard.  This news erased the 5.5% gains the Chinese market experienced on Friday and Chinese markets plunged a further 2.6% on the news.

With his opening statement concluded, Santa’s spokeself was asked a number of questions relating to the NPDC and the extra dimensional nature of the data center.  The spokeself’s response will keep physicists occupied for decades.  The spokeself explained that before Bishop Nicolas became a saint, he was limited to the three dimensional world we take for granted.  He was also subject to time, which is the fourth dimension, just as all humans are.  However, when Bishop Nicolas became a saint, he was given access to extra dimensional space/time so he could visit the courts of heaven.  This is consistent to what Santa Claus told Oprah in 2013. 

Ïf you were a two dimensional being and you were placed inside a square,” the spokeself explained, you would be trapped inside that square.  But a three dimensional being could simply lift you up out of the square and place you outside that square.  To you as a two dimensional being, this would seem like magic, but in fact, this is a simple matter of being able to function and exist in three dimensions instead of two.”

The spokeself went on to explain:  “People have puzzled over how Santa Claus can deliver all those presents so quickly.  They have also wondered how all of those presents fit into his bag which is on the sleigh.  The simple truth is that both Santa Claus and the sleigh operate in extra dimensional reality.  So Santa Claus does not rely on speed to traverse the globe in 31 hours.  Santa is able to do this because he and the reindeer operate in more than three dimensions.”  When pressed as to how many dimensions Santa operated in, the spokeself did not divulge specific details. 

It should be noted that in 1997, noted writer and physicist Marc Breault calculated that if angels relied solely on speed to move between heaven and earth, they would have to travel at warp 16.4 which is far beyond the speed of any USS Enterprise ship.  Referring to Breault’s ground breaking article, physicist Jean-Pierre Thibaut of the University of Paris said that the spokeself’s explanation was consistent with the laws of physics as we currently understand them.  Other noted physicists agreed with Professor Thibaut. 

The spokeself also cleared up another common misconception about Santa Claus.  Öbviously, most houses today do not have chimneys so there is no opening for Santa to slide through,” said the spokeself.  “But because Santa operates in extra dimensional reality, he does not need an opening, just as a three dimensional being can enter a two dimensional square without a break in the square.  Thus, there has never been a need for Santa to have a chimney in order for him to deliver his presents.  However, chimneys were convenient and meant Santa did not have to employ the Hyper-door, as we like to call it.”

The spokeself explained that Santa entered houses through an extradimensional opening which the reindeer made for him.  “We keep to tradition, though,” said the spokeself, “in that the hyper-door is shaped like a chimney.  Santa likes to preserve the old ways as much as possible.”

Thanks to Santa’s denial of the cyber-attack rumors, The Dow bounced back from its Friday losses leaving the doors open to a genuine Santa Claus rally to end 2015. President Obama thanked Santa Claus and said his efforts to calm the markets were a good beginning toward thawing the strained relations between the United States and the North Pole.  “while we are not willing to take Santa off the terror watch list just yet,” said the President, “and while we still have the 2014 copyright infringement lawsuit decision against Santa Claus to deal with, Santa’s efforts on Monday are a good first step to mending relations.”

And so with all the physics out of the way which explains, at least in part, how Santa Claus actually does manage to deliver all those presents to all those children, the children of the world can once again rest easy in the knowledge that Santa Claus will come through for them once again, as he has for nearly 2,000 years now.  And with that, may you all have a very Merry Christmas.