World Braces for US Trade War with the North Pole

 

Picture taken by D. J. Warren, Washington Post

WASHINGTON POST – They say there are decades in which nothing happens, and there are weeks in which decades happen.  The sudden escalation between Donald Trump’s transition team and the North Pole is an example of the latter.  The world is on edge tonight after the war of words between Donald Trump and Santa Claus reached new levels of hostility.  Earlier today. Donald Trump posted on Truth Social “The North Pole has been ripping off America ever since we were America.  They dump goods on our children that are free, and this has ruined American businesses and our economy.  On Day One, I will impose a 250% tariff on all goods entering the United States from the North Pole unless Santa Claus agrees to very stringent restrictions on his activities.  Make America Great Again!”

In fact, Trump echoes a long simmering bone of contention between the United States and Santa Claus.  Some years ago, a number of toy manufacturers joined a number of tech companies in a lawsuit against the North Pole.  This lawsuit proved fruitless, however, when the International Court of Arbitration ruled that it did not have any jurisdiction over the North Pole because the North Pole was not a signatory to any international body including the United Nations.

Santa Claus responded to Trump’s Truth Social message with “whatever” followed by a sighing emoji.  This sent Donald Trump into a rage.  He immediately ordered congress to pass a law banning Christmas unless Santa Claus “comes to the table.”  Responding to the Democratic Party’s outrage over Trump’s orders, speaker of the house Mike Johnson reminded Americans that Christmas had been banned in the US before.  Evangelical Christians who supported Donald Trump immediately rallied behind Trump and Speaker Johnson and called for the immediate banning of Christmas.

Experts consulted by the Washington Post, however, point out that Christmas was only banned by the Massachusetts Bay Colony from 1659 to 1681 because it promoted traditions that were not found in the bible.  Anyone who celebrated Christmas was fined 5 shillings, which is about $1,000 in today’s money.  The United States proper has never banned Christmas.  When the Washington Post asked Speaker Johnson what penalties would fall on anyone who celebrated Christmas under Trump’s proposal, speaker Johnson declined comment.  Since Joe Biden is still president, Trump’s bluster amounts to an empty threat.  Christmas has no chance of being banned in the US.

A snap pole of 750 economists reveal that 94% of them believe tariffs of any sort are useless against the North Pole because no technology that we have, or have ever had, has been shown to be effective in preventing Santa from delivering presents to US children and tariffs only have any effect if they are enforced at the border.  Trump called for an immediate border bill he dubbed the “Santa’s Sleigh Prevention Act” to be passed by congress.  Trump seems to have forgotten that we still have a senate controlled by Democrats, as well as a Democrat president.

In a bizarre twist, Dwayne (the Rock) Johnson tweeted his opposition to Trump’s proposal tweeting: “If you think my latest movie Red One is pure fiction, think again.  Santa gave us unprecedented access into the inner workings of his overall North Pole Security including his cyber security department.  There is no way we can effectively impose any tariff on Red One, I mean Santa.”

As a result of this tweet, governments all over the world have increased their alert status fearing reprisals from the North Pole.  There has also been a sudden rush on streaming Red One.  National Security Advisor jake Sullivan had no comment when the Post asked him about The Rock’s tweet.  But when David Dadi, director of Israel’s Mossad tweeted: “Hey rock, you’re not the first to have access,” the Middle East and Russia went into meltdown.

Despite the pervasive belief that Trump’s threatened tariffs against the North Pole have no power, many nations are not sure.  Canada’s Justin Trudeau reached out to Santa Claus immediately after Trump’s threat.  According to Trudeau’s office, The North Pole agreed to doubling presents delivered to Canada over the next three years as a way to help insulate Canada against Trump’s proposed 25% tariff against Canada.  According to Trudeau, the North Pole also agreed to purchase Canadian crude and deliver it for free to needy countries.  “While Santa does not like using fossil fuels,” said a spokesman for Trudeau,” he understands the devastating effect Trump tariffs can have on Canada.”  When asked what currency the North Pole would use to purchase Canadian crude oil, the spokesman for the Canadian Prime Minister smiled and said “bitcoin of course.  Apparently, the North Pole does not need to mine bitcoin.  It simply creates as much as it wants.”

The Washington Post has not been able to verify this last comment, but Bitcoin fell 90% on the news causing market turmoil unlike anything we have ever seen.  Other crypto currencies also fell sharply.  There are rumors that Donald Trump plans to remove crypto loyalists from his cabinet as a result.  Co-president Elect Elon Musk shut down his account on X, and has given no indication as to if or when he will reopen it.

Meanwhile, China’s president Xi Jinping announced that as a hedge against a likely trade war with the US as a result of Trump’s tariff threats, China will introduce Christian Indoctrination Camps” designed to teach all Chinese children about the virtues of Christianity.  It is hoped this will cause a massive delivery of presents to Chinese children thereby saving Chinese consumers millions in toys.  Since China manufactures most of the world’s toys anyway, losses by these companies to the Chinese domestic market will be offset by increased exports to countries which do not replicate Trump’s tariffs against China, which is all other countries.

When asked who would run these indoctrination camps, President Xi said that China has a sizeable Christian population which has endured persecution for years, but which is deeply committed to their faith despite this.  President Xi lifted all proscriptions against Christianity in China and is in the midst of opening formal diplomatic relations with the North Pole.  Santa is said to be overjoyed by China’s newfound love for Christianity although he admonished China not to go too heavy on indoctrination.  Santa believes Christianity is meant to be a gentle religion relying on persuasion through gentle preaching and loving works for humanity and the animals.

And so the world sits on a knife’s edge.  Donald Trump is reportedly furious with Justin Trudeau, but he was already mad at him.  Perhaps this is why Trudeau tweeted “whatever, followed by a sighing emoji” when asked for his comments on Trump’s tirade against him.

Author’s Note.  I would like to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas.  Indeed, China has a very strong and committed Christian community which has withstood decades of persecution and hardship.  My prayers go out to them this Christmas and every day.

D. J. Warren, who is given credit for the picture in this post, is a fictitious person.  The picture was actually generated by DALL-E 3.  I simply asked the AI tool to pretend Santa was real and depict a scene showing a trade war with the US.  I thought it did a great job.

Christmas really was banned by the Puritans who governed the Massachusetts Bay Colony.  The law came into effect in 1659 and was repealed in 1681. The main reason for the law was that Christmas was associated with both Roman Catholic and non-Christian beliefs.