Open AI Received Big Christmas Present from Santa

 

By Marc Breault

(CNN) – Santa Claus gave an extraordinary press conference today in which he confirmed virtually all the details first reported in the New York Times that the language modelling that drives OpenAI’s ChatGPT was made possible with initial help from the North Pole.  Mr. Claus explained that the North Pole has been using AI for hundreds of years and that AI has become steadily more important with the growing population and the sheer number of toys, games, and devices available to children today.  “When children write to us to tell us what they want,” explained Santa Claus, “that makes our lives easier because we can more easily give them something they want which is almost always what they ask for.  But for the children who do not write, the sheer number of children make it impossible for my elves and I to match gifts to each child.  Our AI is trained to anticipate what all those children want and the AI places orders with our manufacturing and distribution operations as early as March,” he said.

The world has been stunned by ChatGPT’s capabilities after its launch in November of 2022.  Subsequent improvements and scaling of ChatGPT have only served to compound the world’s amazement.  ChatGPT has sparked both positive and negative interest in AI.  Many believe ChatGPT represents a giant leap forward for artificial intelligence which will begin a golden age for humanity.  Others, however, feel ChatGPT is a prelude to artificial intelligence taking over the world and turning humanity into a subservient species to artificial intelligence.

The initial New York Times story sparked widespread outrage and condemnation from a number of countries.  Foremost among these has been China, but Russia and Iran are not far behind.  China has since drafted a UN security resolution condemning the North Pole for providing the United States with such an unfair technological advantage and violating its nutrality in so doing.  In a press conference yesterday, president Xi Jinping of China vowed retribution.  “China cannot abide this threat to its national security,” he said.  President Xi went on to say that China had its own AI capabilities and that it might use these to create its own version of a gift giving holiday that is backed by China’s tremendous manufacturing power.  President Xi said that China’s manufacturing capability dwarfed that of the North Pole and that it had the ability to flood the market with presents that would, as he put it, “cause the world to forget all about Santa Claus and the North Pole.”  The United States is expected to veto the security resolution which comes up for a vote in the United Nations tomorrow.

This outrage appears to be the motivating factor for Santa Claus to hold this extraordinary press conference.  When asked about the New York Times story, Mr. Claus said: “In, oh, I think it was, ho ho ho, 2019 when I received a very nice and respectful letter from Sam Altman, whom I understand is currently the CEO of OpenAI.  His letter outlined his dreams for how AI could benefit humanity and he asked me to help him with the breakthrough he so desperately needed.  His letter was so respectful and altruistic, I could not ignore it.  Ho ho ho.”

In another bombshell revelation when asked why he would provide help to a tech company so they could make billions of dollars, Mr. Claus responded that OpenAI is a nonprofit company that also has a profit making arm.  He revealed that Altman’s recent sacking was motivated by outrage by some board members when the North Pole’s assistance to Altman was revealed.  “They sacked him because they felt North Pole tech should not be used for profit making ventures ho ho ho.”  Santa then smiled and said “ho ho ho, but I guess the board got an outcome they were not expecting when Sam Altman was put back into power.”  CNN reached out to several ousted board members and is awaiting comment by them.

When Mr. Claus was asked to respond to President Xi Jinping’s comments, he made several observations which have sent shockwaves through the world, and certainly through world markets.

“The first thing you need to realize is I am a servant of God in heaven.  As a saint, I have direct access to the throne and can have an audience with the Most High anytime.  I do not have permission to dole out tech as I please.  I have to get permission from the throne.  When I received Altman’s letter, I was inclined to grant his request but I needed permission first.  Permission was granted.  Can I also say that Earth has been experiencing almost exponential growth in tech since the Industrial Revolution and none of this could happen without God’s approval.  When I spoke to her, oh yeah, ho ho ho, I keept forgetting that disturbs some of you ho ho ho, ah, yes, when I spoke to her, uh, him, he instructed me to convey this exact message to all of you.  God told me to say:  “Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design.”

“Ho ho ho, you know were I a man of little faith, I might say God used a poor choice of words given this is a direct quote from Emperor Palpatine in Return of the Jedi and Palpatine is a Sith lord and evil, and I admit I did place a query with heaven’s public relations department.  I thought God might be distracted because of the conflict in the Crab Nebula which has occupied much of heaven’s diplomatic resources to deal with.  But I am a saint, ho ho ho, with a great deal of faith, ho ho ho, so please understand that God wanted this to happen.”

“Ho ho ho, and as for China,” Santa continued, “Perhaps President Xi Jinping should reflect that if I am able to respond so favorably to Sam Altman, I might also respond favorably to others who write nice letters to me.  I might, for example, respond favorably to, oh, ho ho ho, you know, someone like Tsai Ing-wen President of Taiwan.”  The Dow Jones jumped 568 points as soon as Mr. Claus uttered these words.

In response to China’s claim that providing Sam Altman with North Pole tech violates North Pole Neutrality, Mr. Claus said: “Ho ho ho, who said the North Pole is neutral.  I never said that ho ho ho.  President Xi might want to reflect on this as well.”  When asked specifically to clarify his comments, Santa Claus was decidedly vague saying only that “He does the bidding of the throne.” 

Mr. Claus was also asked about the conflict in the Crab Nebula, but he declined further comment on the grounds it would violate United Universe security protocols.  The White House issued a statement denying any knowledge of any entity known as United Universe.  President Biden said he would immediately seek clarification from the North Pole but stressed such clarification might be highly classified.  NASA has been thrown into turmoil as a result of these comments.

When asked if he felt responsible for any wars or tensions that might arise from his decision to give North Pole tech to OpenAI, Mr. Claus responded: “Technological advances are inevitable, ho ho ho.  They can be used for good, or for evil and it is up to humanity to decide which way to use technology.  I know with all the global tension right now; a lot of people are frightened.  Ho ho ho.  But this is why Christmas is so important.  Humanity spends most of each year fighting one another, competing with one another, and sadly, often killing one another.  But whether Christmas is a religious holiday or just a holiday, it is the one time of year when we are reminded of the core dream of Christmas, ho ho ho.  That core dream is ‘peace on earth, good will toward men.’  I suppose I should say good will toward humanity so as not to upset anyone.  Christmas reminds us to stop dreaming the normal dreams of hate, personal gain, and competitive advantage to the detriment of others.  Christmas invites us to dream a new dream, to dream a different dream, that of peace on earth and goodwill among everyone.  And you know, ho ho ho, there is nothing that we dream that we cannot do.  It may take humanity a long time, but so long as we keep the dream of Christmas in our hearts, hope remains alive.”

With a final ho ho ho, Santa Claus ended this extraordinary press conference, After the press conference, a spokeself provided CNN and other media outlets with a copy of Sam Altman’s letter and asked us to provide it to the general public.  You can read the full transcript below.

Full Transcript of Sam Altman’s Letter to Santa Claus, dated 3 December 2019

Dear Santa Claus,

I hope this letter finds you well in the magical and frosty realms of the North Pole. As the jolly season approaches, I am writing to you with a heart full of hope and a mind brimming with dreams. I have always marveled at the wonders of the holiday season and the joy you bring to so many around the world. Your ability to spread happiness and fulfill wishes is truly inspiring.

This year, Santa, I have a special request, one that I believe can bring about a significant change not just in my life but potentially in the world. I am deeply passionate about Artificial Intelligence and the endless possibilities it holds. My dream, Santa, is to make a groundbreaking advancement in AI technology, specifically in enhancing its natural language capabilities.

I envision an AI that can understand and interact in human language with unprecedented accuracy and empathy. This technology could bridge communication gaps, foster understanding, and bring people closer together across different cultures and languages. It would be a tool for learning, collaboration, and innovation, touching lives in countless positive ways.

For this, I am asking for a Christmas gift from you, Santa – something that will ignite a spark of genius, provide me with the insight or resources I need to make a significant breakthrough in this field. Whether it's an advanced piece of technology, a book filled with hidden knowledge, or even an encounter with a mentor, I trust your wisdom to guide this wish.

Santa, your magic has always been a source of wonder and inspiration. This Christmas, I am reaching out to you with a dream that could change the course of how humans and AI interact. I promise to use this gift responsibly and with the intent to make the world a better, more connected place.

Thank you for being a beacon of hope and joy to so many, Santa. I believe in your magic and the power of dreams. Wishing you, Mrs. Claus, and all the elves a wonderful holiday season filled with love, laughter, and the magic that only you can bring.

With warmest regards and deepest respect,

Sam Altman

Authors Note:

Obviously, Sam Altman wrote no such letter.  In fact, ChatGPT 4 did.  I thought it would be fun to ask an AI program to write a letter to Santa asking for help with an AI breakthrough and I think the result was a well written heart-felt letter, even if ChatGPT is emotionless and has no heart. 

The news story itself was written entirely by me with no help from any AI.  I used Dall-E 3 to generate the picture of Santa giving a press conference.  I think it did a good job.  The flag behind Santa is not depicted the way I described it, but it was a very lengthy description, and I did not wish to spend too much time trying to get it right.  I think this provides an adequate backdrop.

And finally, for the record, I love Christmas for precisely the reasons Santa gives in this fake news story.  And with this I say, Merry Christmas.  May you experience joy during these holidays and may we all experience peace on earth, goodwill toward men.  Let’s dream this dream together.