Congress Steps Up Trump North Pole Probe

Congress Steps Up Trump North Pole Probe

WASHINGTON – What started as a congressional investigation into President Trumps offer of US aid in exchange for the Ukrainian government investigating political opponent Joe Biden took an unexpected turn yesterday when Ukraine president Volodymyr Zelensky made the extraordinary claim that Trump officials attempted to broker a deal between the Ukraine and the United States by using the North Pole as a go-between.  Sources within the US State Department who asked to remain anonymous have confirmed Zelensky’s amazing claim adding that President Trump vowed to use US influence to block Santa Claus from distributing presents to American children if the North Pole did not do everything in its power to broker a deal between Ukraine and the United States.  Trump hoped the threat of US might set against the North Pole would force the North Pole to broker a deal.

“We thought the whole thing was ridiculous,” said a senior State Department official.  “It is well documented that the US has been unable to penetrate North Pole’s stealth technology for over a decade now.  Obama tried to negotiate a deal which would involve Santa revealing his exact North Pole location to the world, but he was unsuccessful.  The thought that the President has any influence over Santa Claus is ridiculous and the whole of the State Department felt that way at the time.”

Zelensky said that since the Iron Curtain went down, relations with Santa Claus have improved dramatically.  “We welcome Mr Claus into our country whenever he wishes.”  Zelensky’s opponents suggest that Zelensky’s motivation is primarily that of a bread and circuses mentality rather than any altruism on his part.  However, they all agree that the thaw in relations between Ukraine and Santa has been good for the country. 

US Intelligence sources believe that in addition to allowing Santa Claus into their country, they also believe that Santa Claus has been working with the Ukraine government to use some of its factories, which used to make arms for Russia and the Soviet Union, in order to stem the tide of arms sales to North Korea.  Intelligence officials state that since relations between Ukraine and Russia have broken down, Russia has gone elsewhere for arms thereby forcing Ukrainian businesses to look elsewhere for buyers.  North Korea has been all too willing to step in.  US Intelligence sources believe talks have stalled.  “We welcome anything Santa can do to stem the tide of arms sales to North Korea” said one Intelligence spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous.  “Trump threatening the North Pole with a children boycott threatens that whole initiative.  We don’t want rockets in North Korea and if Santa can help, we should let him try.”

Although the President denied any involvement with the Ukrainian government, he did say the White House was planning to introduce a bill into congress next week that would ensure elves are treated fairly.  “Free presents to American children hurts American businesses,” said Trump, “because that means people aren’t buying their presents from American companies.  Bottom line is Santa’s actions costs American jobs.  By protecting elves, our Elf Protection Act will require all entities (it is believed Santa Claus does not operate a formally incorporated company) to treat their elves fairly or else they cannot do business with the United States.”

Joe Biden responded to the President’s statement with an uncharacteristically vehement attack of his own.  “Last Year Trump imposed a 25% tariff on all goods imported from the North Pole.  What has that done?  Absolutely nothing because we don’t actually import anything from there.  Santa brings them in himself and we are as yet unable to stop him.  So once again Trump wastes everyone’s time with meaningless legislation which only serves to satisfy his base.  He can’t protect US borders against Santa so he resorts now to this farce of elf protection.  Where are the American elves?  Are there any?”  The Democrat controlled house plans to reject The White House Bill.

A Whitehouse spokesperson defended the pending bill by stating that “Not only does free presents for children hurt American business, but what kind of working conditions must elves be forced to endure when everything they make is given away for free.  How do they get paid?  Are they paid?  What are their working conditions?  Do they have any medical insurance?  The Democrats always claim they stand for the rights of workers, but here we have a clear example of exploited workers, perhaps even more exploited than the poor House Elves at Hogwarts School of Magic, and the Democrats do nothing.”  The Whitehouse Spokesperson is referring to the horrible treatment of house elves by wizards and witches not only at Hogwarts, but throughout the entire wizarding world.  Powerful and influential witch Hermione Granger championed house elves rights but has yet to liberate them completely according to J. K. Rowling, the acknowledged expert on the wizarding world in Brittan. 

The North Pole issued a brief statement which reads:  “We do not comment on any dealings the North Pole has which has the potential of political ramifications.  Having said this Santa Claus does hope that North Korean children will one day have as much access to Christmas presents as children in other more fortunate parts of the earth.”

It is unclear whether any articles of impeachment issued by congress will include any references to the North Pole.  “Evidence for North Pole involvement is non-existent” according to a number of Republicans approached for this story. 

And so the war between Congress and the White House continues.  With the 2020 election just around the corner, it is not in any way clear how the American public will react to any of these revelations, claims, and counter claims.  The only thing we can say for sure is that Santa will continue to breach American air space with impunity and thank goodness for that.