Things I Wish I Could Explain to my Dog

At some point, each one of us have a few things we wish we could explain to various loved ones.  I wish I could have told my father this, or if only I had said this to my then girlfriend she might not have broken up with me.  And so on and so forth.  We recently got a dog.  She’s a beagle named Harper and she has rapidly become a loved one.  Here are some things I wish I could explain to my dog.  If only. . .

On how much we humans eat

I am larger than you and so I probably require more food than you do.  But that’s really not the issue here.  You eat your food in ten seconds.  It’s a mystery to me how you, and any other dog, can possibly enjoy your food when you practically inhale it.  I think this must stump scientists as well.  Even David Attenborough might have trouble explaining how this is possible.

And yet it is clear you do enjoy your food.  Maybe that tongue of yours has taste buds which transmit terabytes of taste data to your brain in mere nanoseconds so that you can register how good something tastes.  I just don’t know how you can even distinguish food you eat so fast.

We humans are not like that.  We don’t inhale our food.  We take time to eat it.  This is why it appears we eat more than you.  In truth, I don’t think we really do.  It just takes us longer.

On Walks

There are some fundamental differences between us.  I like to stop and smell the roses.  You like to stop and smell the dead bird or possum.  Also, you like to roll over the dead bird or possum.  I have no such compunction.  I don’t really find those things fascinating in the least.  But of course, I understand you do.  But rolling over smelly things is where I draw the line.  I know you want to do that, but sorry, we don’t always get what we want in life.  And in this case, that’s something you’re not getting if I can help it. 

The good thing about roses is they smell nice, and it’s not a good idea to roll around in them.  You learn that pretty fast.  So trust me.  Roses are good.  I highly recommend them to you.

On Drinking Water

This is where dogs have it over humans.  Many of us are so dumb we have to be told to “drink more water.”  Somebody has to come on to the Today Show, or maybe it’s Dr. Oz, and they have to tell us that water is good for us.  Duh.  You dogs already know this.  You’re quite happy to drink water when you are thirsty.  Not us.  Oh no.  Many of us don’t drink enough water.  Instead we pay lots of money to buy other drinks that have all kinds of garbage in them and we drink that instead.

Granted, you drink clean water, or dirty water.  You don’t mind drinking water from a puddle.  OK, I’m a little more fussy about my water.  But essentially, you and I agree here.  Have thirst, drink water.  Water is good.  Water quenches thirst.

On Socializing

We humans spend a lot of time socializing.  A lot of the time, alcohol is involved.  Remember what I said about water above?  This is an exception to the water rule.  We like to go to a pub and have a few drinks with our mates.  You like to sniff the bottoms of your mates and wrestle and then sniff bottoms some more.  We’re just different this way and I guess we’ll never change. 

But at least you don’t get drunk sniffing bottoms and the police almost never have to get involved.  So I’ll grant that your way of socializing does have its plus side, if you like the smell of bottoms that is, which you clearly do because you always do that when you meet another dog.  And I guess you can tell if there is a dead possum or bird up ahead too.  It’s like us flashing our lights to warn other drivers of a nearby speed camera.  So that’s probably another advantage.

And of course, sniffing bottoms doesn’t cost you anything.  For us, alcohol at a pub can get expensive.  But hay, we like drinking at pubs, you like sniffing bottoms.  We’re politically correct these days so we’re OK letting you do your thing.

On Watching TV

You put this into perspective for me.  You could care less what’s on the tube and yet you seem OK with life.  But you really should embrace the NFL.  That way, you won’t insist on going for a walk during the 4^th quarter when the score is 24-24.  Football is a great game.  And sports on TV in general, is great too.  It’s much more enjoyable than. . .well. . .stuff my wife watches instead of sports.  Come on doggie, agree with me.  Turn around and look at the TV, don’t fall asleep in my lap.  You’re not helping.

On Bathing

Back in the Dark Ages, Western Europeans were like you.  We didn’t bathe.  But we got civilized and learn that a bath is good.  The feel of that warm water all around you relaxes you and helps you let all that tension out.  Bathing is not a trial to be endured.  Honest.  It is a pleasant experience.  You should view bathing this way.  After all, it’s only water.  OK, maybe there is some obnoxious shampoo too, but that’s what the water is there for, to rinse that stuff away.  So why not relax.  Maybe our spa might be more to your liking.

Also, rolling around in the nearest dirt immediately after your bath is counter-productive.  It just means we’ll have to bathe you again sooner.  If you don’t roll around in the dirt afterward, you will experience a longer time before your next bath.

On Bones

I don’t want your bones.  Gnaw on them in the knowledge I am not lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce on your bone.  Besides, I gave you that bone in the first place.  IF I had wanted it, I would have kept it for myself.  Come on dog, some logic here please?

We humans munch on snacks that have lots of calories and are terrible for our teeth.  You much on bones which have few calories and which are good for your teeth.  OK, yes, be afraid.  I might come after your bone after all.

On Putting Clothes on in the morning

I know you want to go for a walk, but jumping all over me while I’m putting my pants on doesn’t help.  Here is how the world works doggie.  IF you go out on to the street naked, everyone who sees you says “oh what a cute dog.”  If I go out on to the street naked, no one says anything but they get these little rectangular things called phones out and they call a 3 digit number.  And then some people show up in a van or maybe a car and I disappear.  The walkies has been dramatically interrupted.  You might be standing naked right next to me but I get treated far differently than you do.  So please doggie, let me put my pants on so I can take you for a walk and not get hauled away and placed under psychiatric observation.  It will only take me a few seconds.  Honest.

On Getting Noticed by Females

A guy like me has to endure some harsh psychological trauma when taking you for a walk.  I just want you to know this.  You see, lots of women pass us by and they all say things like “hello cutie” or “Oh how cute” or “You’re beautiful.”  Well guess what dog, it’s all directed at you!  I might as well not exist.  They’re not calling me beautiful, or cute, or adorable.  In fact, most simply ignore me.  So lap it up.  Enjoy the praise.  And the thing is, you really are so cute.  You really are lovely.  And you know what, I think you know this.  I think if I start my own magazine – I suppose a few people still read those – I’m going to call it Bitch Magazine and put you on the cover of the first edition.  I’ll devote the magazine to dogs of course.

But of course, I have a secret.  I know women think more highly of me because I love dogs.  That’s one reason I walk you in the first place.  Nuh, not really.  I walk you because it’s fun and you enjoy it so much.  I just had a few guy things I wanted to get off my chest.

How Much is that Doggie in the Window

Don’t worry Harper, you’ll never be up for sale in some window.  You’re too awesome for that.  You’re my friend and will always be.  I know you have your way of trying to persuade me to give you what you want.  You look at me with those eyes and wag your tail and sometimes jump up on me and throw your head back.  You think that will bend me to your will.

You’re right.  I’m nearly helpless when you do this.  All I ask is you preserve some of my dignity so I can go on thinking I’m on top of the food chain and am rightfully in control.  It’s a small thing to ask.  And oh, do you mind if sometimes, if I’ve really been good, you let me sit in my leather recliner?  You know, the one I paid lots of money for long before you showed up.  I used to sit in it and relax.  I don’t want to sit in it all the time.  I know it’s yours now.  But maybe sometimes?