Clean Shows

Whether we care to admit it or not, TV shows are a big part of our lives and they also influence our childhood.  Some of the right and wrong I learned I saw on TV.  Peter Brady secretly recorded his brothers and sisters and then used those conversations against them.  Peter, and the children like me who viewed that episode, learned that this is wrong because we saw what happened to Peter Brady.  Obviously some of the folks at News Limited never saw that episode.  The other six castaways wrongly accused Gilligan of stealing when it was a chimpanzee all along.  We learned that it is not good to accuse people of something without the facts.  We learned this because we felt sorry for poor Gilligan when even Mary Ann turned against him.  We did not need to be preached too but a lot of those shows did influence our morals and our attitudes.

Shows back then which children watched were pretty clean cut, even shows that teenagers watched.  They were unrealistic in many ways, but wholesome.  I sometimes wonder whether parents let their kids watch Get Smart, Gilligan’s Island and I Dream of Jeannie because they wished for a more wholesome world.  We didn’t know any better but we enjoyed the shows.

I wonder whether there are any good wholesome shows for kids, say aged 7-15 to watch today.  I tend to think not.   

Australia has a soap supposedly for teenagers.  It is fast moving which is good.  In that regard it is a far cry from Ryan’s Hope in which a woman fell off a building and it took three half hour episodes for her to splatter on the pavement below.  Home and Away is fast moving.  But wholesome?  My wife watches the show and so far as I can tell, it has had a stalker, a bomber, a couple of garden variety psychopaths, kidnapping, gangsters, drug pushers, unethical doctors and lawyers, and of course, no show would be complete for teenagers without seriously inappropriate behaviour between teachers and students. 

People will say wholesome shows are unrealistic and I agree.  But is that necessarily bad?  Let’s take The Brady Bunch which back in the day was watched by teenagers thanks to greg and Marcia.  What would the show be like today?

Well, Mike Brady and Alice would be having an affair right under Carol’s nose.  Meanwhile Greg and Marcia would also be conducting their own horizontally based activities.  They weren’t blood relatives after all.  In the season finale, Carol Brady finds out about the affair and is broken hearted, but also plans revenge.  In the next season, Carol talks to Sam the Butcher who at first disbelieves Carol’s contention that his Alice is having it on with Mike Brady.  Meanwhile Carol finds out about Greg and Marcia and in exchange for her silence, convinces both Greg and Marcia to spy on Mike and Alice to find evidence.  About three episodes later, they find the evidence and Carol finally convinces Sam.  Sam is outraged.  He just so happens to have connections to the mob and Carol and Sam decide to put the hit out on Mike.  Carol wants to spare Alice because after all, someone has to clean the house.

Meanwhile Tiger the dog bites Cindy’s best friend and the friend’s parents sue the Brady’s so Mike is busy with that.  It looks like Tiger will have to be put down.  Bobby senses something is wrong and starts to have trouble at school.  He gets into a few fights and gets suspended.  Meanwhile the mob guy starts stalking Mike Brady.

Jan falls pregnant and just before the season finale, is torn between keeping the baby or having a secret abortion.  She wants to confide in Peter, but Peter is too stoned to care and has fallen in with a gang.  This season ends just as the hit man is about to nail Mike Brady.  Carol and Sam the butcher, bonding through their common pain, start their own little romance and Alice begins to suspect Sam knows.  She also finds out about Greg and Marcia but the two threaten Alice with telling Carol about Mike and her.  Alice doesn’t realize Carol already knows so keeps quiet while she begins having a nervous breakdown.  Good thing Peter is around because he can get Alice some pills which she really needs.

That is pretty much how the modern Brady Bunch show would go.  I don’t want to be a prude, but I kind of like the original better.  When I grew up I learned some of the behind-the-scenes things that children shouldn’t really care about, but the truth is, I miss the wholesome shows for children.  I probably wouldn’t watch them myself, but I would want my children to have something decent to watch.  I even kind of miss The Waltons and I never thought I would feel that way about that show.  I used to argue with my sister about that show all the time because she would want to watch it while I wanted to watch sumo wrestling.  I even went so far as to calculate the number of TV hours per year she logged up by watching all episodes of The Waltons against all those I logged watching the Sumo matches.  It turned out the math was in her favor so she got to watch The Waltons.  I forgave mathematics since it was my idea to employ them, and I wager not too many of you have had that argument with your siblings.  For the record, and for those who haven’t watched Sumo before, Sumo rocks!

But I digress.  My point is children deserve non cartoons that do not have all this realism.  Let kids imagine, and dream, and pretend.  Realism will intrude fast enough on their lives.

On Police Shootings

There is no doubt racial tensions in our country have increased.  Police are shooting and killing more black men than anyone else.  Meanwhile, some have taken justice into their own hands and have killed or wounded dozens of police in retaliation.  The solution for all this is multifaceted but so far, it looks like neither Clinton or Trump have a clue what to do.  All they can do is say what they hope will be the right words.  So as a public service, I will outline a solution to these problems which involve saying some things which are politically incorrect.

I’ll begin with a question.  Do police officers racially profile black men?  You bet they do.  But why just confine this to the police.  Most Americans do.  An average American walking down the street sees a couple of black dudes coming toward him wearing Hoodies.  I doubt the average American will experience warm fuzzy thoughts.  A lot of white folks, and Hispanic folks, and oriental folks feel uncomfortable when a black male stranger comes near them on the street.  But why stop with non blacks?  If a black dude is walking down the street and he sees three black dudes coming toward him wearing hoodies, and he doesn’t know those guys, he ain’t experiencing warm fuzzy feelings either.

So why do we all racially profile black men?  Are we racists?  Some of us are yes.  But it’s not as simple as that.  The world is not a simple one of good guys versus bad guys.  White folks aren’t like Sylvester the cat who constantly chases Tweety Bird for no other reason than that he’s a bird.  (His real full name, by the way is Sylvester James Pussycat Sr.).  In other words, the vast majority of white folks don’t mindlessly persecute black folks simply because they are black.  I know there are a number of Black Lives Matter advocates who don’t want to hear this.  They want to see white folks as Adolph Hitler types because it’s much easier to formulate a solution to the police killings.  The police are evil.  Simple.

So, what to do?  The first thing our presidential candidates should do is choose one of the following two options.

·         Legalize drugs.

·         Get serious about dealing with the drug epidemic sweeping the nation.

One of the biggest problems is drugs.  Most crime is drug related, and most drugs can be had in poor neighbourhoods, and most of those are populated overwhelmingly by black Americans.  You want to know why you’re profiled?  It’s because most crimes are committed by black men.  Most drug crimes are committed by black men.  Most domestic violence is committed by black men.  That’s another thing Black Lives matter doesn’t want to hear.  And one of the main reasons all of this is true is because of drugs.  But it’s also because of other things such as inequalities in education and opportunities.  But I’ll get to those later.  Let’s focus on drugs now.

There is a good case for legalizing drugs.  Legal drugs mean you don’t have to go to the black market to get them.  You can have supervised drug centers.  There are even supervised ice centers.  There are downsides to this approach of course, but the legalization argument comes down to three words in my opinion.  Prohibition Doesn’t Work.  It has never worked.  It’s the same argument I have against gun control laws.  We have tried prohibition for years and where has this gotten us?

Drugs have created neighbourhoods where most people are afraid to go.  And most of those neighbourhoods are populated by black people.  That is the simple truth and the sooner people like Black Lives Matter admit this, the sooner they will actually provide constructive help to finding a solution to the very real profiling of black men that goes on.

So let’s look at the alternative route.  What do I mean when I speak of getting serious on drugs?  We might consider some of the following.

·         You make meth, you get the death penalty.

·         You push cocaine, heroin, or ice, you get the death penalty.

·         You control prostitutes by drugs, you get the death penalty.

·         Any crime committed while under the influence gets the full penalty regardless of your state of mind.  No insanity plea or “he didn’t know what he was doing” plea.

·         We start a campaign like the anti smoking campaign showing how our demand for drugs causes them to be supplied in the first place.

·         Wage real war on drug dealers in other countries.  Instead of invading Iraq, pound the crap out of areas controlled by drug dealers regardless of whether those countries give us permission or not.  What are they going to do, stop us?  The USA is the baddest nation on planet earth when we set our mind to it.  Let’s see what these drug kingpins do when a drone blows them and their mansions away.

And while we’re waging real war against these drug dealers, we ought to take these celebrities that brag about how much coke they did but survived, and throw them out of the plane ahead of the bombs.  That includes any celebrity who used the term “recreational drugs” while using their latest rehab as a publicity stunt to garner sympathy for their comeback. 

That is what getting serious about drugs looks like.  Either solution gets rid of the main income source for all of these gangs. 

Once that is underway, we can get to the good stuff, the social programs we so desperately need.  We can look at reclaiming our neighbourhoods by actually giving a damn about schools predominantly attended by black people, something we find difficult to do now.  And oh by the way, one reason is because of all the drugs in these schools.  We can run advertising campaigns showing that heroes can be scientists, English teachers and yes, maybe even lawyers.  Not all heroes have to be able to slam dunk from the free-throw line.   For the record, I’d love to be able to slam dunk period.  We can show young black men how to live fulfilling lives by giving them the social workers and hopefully family stability that poverty and crime take away.

Because when you get right down to it, black lives do matter.  They should always matter.  Part of the problem today is that black lives don’t matter to black people.  It is very difficult for young black men trying to do the right thing to walk down the street because their fellow black citizens make everyone afraid.  The police go into these neighbourhoods afraid and tense.  And when that happens, bad things happen.  In short, we need political leaders who are not afraid to address the causes of racial profiling and who are not afraid to implement solutions.  That means they must speak words that a lot of people don’t want to hear, and they must implement solutions a lot of people are afraid to implement.

When Abraham Lincoln declared that slavery was evil, a lot of people certainly did not want to hear that.  His declaration split a nation.  Sadly, our nation is already split and if we’re not careful, the split will become dangerous.  But at the same time, we were split in the 60’s too.  We had shootings and riots and somehow we got through that.  In the 1860’s we had Abraham Lincoln and Harriet Beacher Stowe.  In the 1960’s we had Martin Luther King Junior and Muhammad Ali.  Let’s not wait until the 2060’s before someone else steps up to the plate and says what needs to be said, and does what needs to be done. 

Things I Wish I Could Explain to my Dog

At some point, each one of us have a few things we wish we could explain to various loved ones.  I wish I could have told my father this, or if only I had said this to my then girlfriend she might not have broken up with me.  And so on and so forth.  We recently got a dog.  She’s a beagle named Harper and she has rapidly become a loved one.  Here are some things I wish I could explain to my dog.  If only. . .

On how much we humans eat

I am larger than you and so I probably require more food than you do.  But that’s really not the issue here.  You eat your food in ten seconds.  It’s a mystery to me how you, and any other dog, can possibly enjoy your food when you practically inhale it.  I think this must stump scientists as well.  Even David Attenborough might have trouble explaining how this is possible.

And yet it is clear you do enjoy your food.  Maybe that tongue of yours has taste buds which transmit terabytes of taste data to your brain in mere nanoseconds so that you can register how good something tastes.  I just don’t know how you can even distinguish food you eat so fast.

We humans are not like that.  We don’t inhale our food.  We take time to eat it.  This is why it appears we eat more than you.  In truth, I don’t think we really do.  It just takes us longer.

On Walks

There are some fundamental differences between us.  I like to stop and smell the roses.  You like to stop and smell the dead bird or possum.  Also, you like to roll over the dead bird or possum.  I have no such compunction.  I don’t really find those things fascinating in the least.  But of course, I understand you do.  But rolling over smelly things is where I draw the line.  I know you want to do that, but sorry, we don’t always get what we want in life.  And in this case, that’s something you’re not getting if I can help it. 

The good thing about roses is they smell nice, and it’s not a good idea to roll around in them.  You learn that pretty fast.  So trust me.  Roses are good.  I highly recommend them to you.

On Drinking Water

This is where dogs have it over humans.  Many of us are so dumb we have to be told to “drink more water.”  Somebody has to come on to the Today Show, or maybe it’s Dr. Oz, and they have to tell us that water is good for us.  Duh.  You dogs already know this.  You’re quite happy to drink water when you are thirsty.  Not us.  Oh no.  Many of us don’t drink enough water.  Instead we pay lots of money to buy other drinks that have all kinds of garbage in them and we drink that instead.

Granted, you drink clean water, or dirty water.  You don’t mind drinking water from a puddle.  OK, I’m a little more fussy about my water.  But essentially, you and I agree here.  Have thirst, drink water.  Water is good.  Water quenches thirst.

On Socializing

We humans spend a lot of time socializing.  A lot of the time, alcohol is involved.  Remember what I said about water above?  This is an exception to the water rule.  We like to go to a pub and have a few drinks with our mates.  You like to sniff the bottoms of your mates and wrestle and then sniff bottoms some more.  We’re just different this way and I guess we’ll never change. 

But at least you don’t get drunk sniffing bottoms and the police almost never have to get involved.  So I’ll grant that your way of socializing does have its plus side, if you like the smell of bottoms that is, which you clearly do because you always do that when you meet another dog.  And I guess you can tell if there is a dead possum or bird up ahead too.  It’s like us flashing our lights to warn other drivers of a nearby speed camera.  So that’s probably another advantage.

And of course, sniffing bottoms doesn’t cost you anything.  For us, alcohol at a pub can get expensive.  But hay, we like drinking at pubs, you like sniffing bottoms.  We’re politically correct these days so we’re OK letting you do your thing.

On Watching TV

You put this into perspective for me.  You could care less what’s on the tube and yet you seem OK with life.  But you really should embrace the NFL.  That way, you won’t insist on going for a walk during the 4^th quarter when the score is 24-24.  Football is a great game.  And sports on TV in general, is great too.  It’s much more enjoyable than. . .well. . .stuff my wife watches instead of sports.  Come on doggie, agree with me.  Turn around and look at the TV, don’t fall asleep in my lap.  You’re not helping.

On Bathing

Back in the Dark Ages, Western Europeans were like you.  We didn’t bathe.  But we got civilized and learn that a bath is good.  The feel of that warm water all around you relaxes you and helps you let all that tension out.  Bathing is not a trial to be endured.  Honest.  It is a pleasant experience.  You should view bathing this way.  After all, it’s only water.  OK, maybe there is some obnoxious shampoo too, but that’s what the water is there for, to rinse that stuff away.  So why not relax.  Maybe our spa might be more to your liking.

Also, rolling around in the nearest dirt immediately after your bath is counter-productive.  It just means we’ll have to bathe you again sooner.  If you don’t roll around in the dirt afterward, you will experience a longer time before your next bath.

On Bones

I don’t want your bones.  Gnaw on them in the knowledge I am not lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce on your bone.  Besides, I gave you that bone in the first place.  IF I had wanted it, I would have kept it for myself.  Come on dog, some logic here please?

We humans munch on snacks that have lots of calories and are terrible for our teeth.  You much on bones which have few calories and which are good for your teeth.  OK, yes, be afraid.  I might come after your bone after all.

On Putting Clothes on in the morning

I know you want to go for a walk, but jumping all over me while I’m putting my pants on doesn’t help.  Here is how the world works doggie.  IF you go out on to the street naked, everyone who sees you says “oh what a cute dog.”  If I go out on to the street naked, no one says anything but they get these little rectangular things called phones out and they call a 3 digit number.  And then some people show up in a van or maybe a car and I disappear.  The walkies has been dramatically interrupted.  You might be standing naked right next to me but I get treated far differently than you do.  So please doggie, let me put my pants on so I can take you for a walk and not get hauled away and placed under psychiatric observation.  It will only take me a few seconds.  Honest.

On Getting Noticed by Females

A guy like me has to endure some harsh psychological trauma when taking you for a walk.  I just want you to know this.  You see, lots of women pass us by and they all say things like “hello cutie” or “Oh how cute” or “You’re beautiful.”  Well guess what dog, it’s all directed at you!  I might as well not exist.  They’re not calling me beautiful, or cute, or adorable.  In fact, most simply ignore me.  So lap it up.  Enjoy the praise.  And the thing is, you really are so cute.  You really are lovely.  And you know what, I think you know this.  I think if I start my own magazine – I suppose a few people still read those – I’m going to call it Bitch Magazine and put you on the cover of the first edition.  I’ll devote the magazine to dogs of course.

But of course, I have a secret.  I know women think more highly of me because I love dogs.  That’s one reason I walk you in the first place.  Nuh, not really.  I walk you because it’s fun and you enjoy it so much.  I just had a few guy things I wanted to get off my chest.

How Much is that Doggie in the Window

Don’t worry Harper, you’ll never be up for sale in some window.  You’re too awesome for that.  You’re my friend and will always be.  I know you have your way of trying to persuade me to give you what you want.  You look at me with those eyes and wag your tail and sometimes jump up on me and throw your head back.  You think that will bend me to your will.

You’re right.  I’m nearly helpless when you do this.  All I ask is you preserve some of my dignity so I can go on thinking I’m on top of the food chain and am rightfully in control.  It’s a small thing to ask.  And oh, do you mind if sometimes, if I’ve really been good, you let me sit in my leather recliner?  You know, the one I paid lots of money for long before you showed up.  I used to sit in it and relax.  I don’t want to sit in it all the time.  I know it’s yours now.  But maybe sometimes?

A Brief History of Forms

On Forms and Filling the Darn Things Out

By Surname: Breault                       Given Name:     Marc

Forms have always been with us.  Back in ancient times, potsherds were the medium of choice and bureaucracies got a big boost because they could permanently record and kind of sort of permanently store information which was sometimes useful.  Clay tablets were second in the hierarchy of forms media.  While clay tablets could provide more comprehensive forms capabilities, they were a little cumbersome and, more importantly, not as readily available as potsherds.  After all, potsherds were everywhere providing a plentiful recording medium for stored information. 

Then someone in Egypt discovered that if they took a bunch of reeds and wove them together just so, and dried them out, and beat them they could get a really neat medium for creating forms. 

One question I must answer here is why would someone go through the trouble of experimenting with reeds in the first place?  The answer is that no one did.  Admit it, you know exactly what happened in Egypt long ago.  Someone’s reed boat fell apart and the poor guy who built it drowned.  Pieces of the boat washed ashore on the Nile and dried out in the sun.  Then by chance, a bureaucrat wandered by, saw the wreckage, and wondered whether there was any potsherd around so he could record the fact and submit it to the births and deaths department.  Finding none, his eye settled upon the dried papyrus and the world changed forever.

Sometime after this momentous discovery, academics figured out they could use this new-fangled papyrus stuff to record really cool information such as why they should be in charge of the growing bureaucracy and why others should be excluded.  Some astronomical and ritual stuff was thrown in just to make their arguments appear more fleshed out than they actually were and thereby accidentally providing future archaeologists with an excuse to construct elaborate pictures of history and society which are mostly wrong. 

The potsherd hung around for centuries but eventually, papyrus won out and the scroll reigned supreme.  When the West lost access to papyrus reeds, vellum took over.  It was better, but not as easy to make or work with.  Forms, as well as the number of people literate enough to fill them out, declined sharply forcing bureaucracies to survive as best as they could.  Forms became used for summary information and less for individual information.  A guy would wander by to record property rights or tax liability and he would fill out the forms while the individuals would supply information orally.  The forms would then be transferred into a book or ledger.  In a way, this was a golden age for individuals because they no longer had to fill out forms.  The bureaucrats did that.  Oh if only this were so today.

But alas, paper more or less as we know it was invented and to make matters worse, so was the printing press and the paper mill to supply the printing press.  This had three main consequences.  First, there was much more material to read.  Second, more and more people learned to read.  Third, forms could now be mass produced and the individual was once again called upon to fill out forms.

When the Information Age hit, forms were everywhere.  At first, this was OK because penmanship was generally good in the developed world.  People actually learned penmanship at school.  Oops, I forgot, I must be politically correct these days so I should say people learned penpersonship at school.  Eventually, of course, when we meet aliens from another planet, we’ll have to say penentityship but I think penpersonship is OK for now.  There, now that I have closed all possible lawsuits against me for discrimination, I can move on.

The increase of information meant people had to write faster and this led to an inevitable consequence.  Penpersonship went to the dogs.  Soon everyone’s handwriting looked like that of a doctor and that of a doctor looked like something a chimpanzee might scratch out if the chimpanzee were inclined to scratch something out on paper.  This, of course, meant that fewer and fewer forms could actually be read by anyone.  We continued to fill them out, and they became more and more useless even as the number of forms multiplied.  This single trend might explain the US government if you think about it in that the government has so much information, and so little capability for dealing with it.

Some people actually wanted to read forms, though I can’t imagine anything more uninteresting, so forms generation software was born.  Not only could you design a form on a computer, people could actually type information into them.  I should point out, though, that typing information into a form was possible, and somewhat common before computers became nearly universal.  This great achievement was accomplished through an instrument known in the day as a typewriter. 

You put a printed form in, and moved the typewriter carriage around until it was positioned just so, and then you typed in information.  You then repeated this process until the form was complete.  Even the US government did this and for a time, a sort of golden age returned because most individuals did not carry a typewriter around with them and most people did not actually own a typewriter.  This meant you went up to the window and watched as the bureaucrat put the form in the typewriter and filled out the form for you while you supplied information orally.  It was the Dark Ages all over again.

The personal computer ruined that and people now had the ability to fill in forms all by themselves, without resorting to handwriting.  The problem was there was no software standard.  You had to buy this package or that, and this really was a low point in human history because not only were we responsible for filling out forms ourselves, more and more bureaucracies expected us to buy something that would enable us to fill out the forms.  Because of this, and the demise of the typewriter thanks to personal computers, handwriting continued to reign.  After all, it is bad enough to have to fill out forms, but it is unspeakably horrifying to have to pay for the privilege of doing so.

Eventually, these software packages went to that great software house in the sky, which is probably owned and operated by Microsoft though this has never been actually confirmed, and the PDF (Portable Document Format) emerged as a standard for forms.  With PDF forms, you had to purchase software to create forms people could fill out on a keyboard, but those filling them out could do so without having to fork out any hard earned cash. 

But you could also create a PDF form which you could not fill in on a keyboard.  You had to fill them out by hand, then send them back to the bureaucracy demanding them.  Since handwriting had well and truly become meaningless by this time, darkness reigned in bureaucracies everywhere.  This probably explains the United Nations and most large corporations.

Then a strange thing happened.  The US government, namely the IRS (Internal Revenue Service) decided to make PDF forms properly so that people could fill them out using a keyboard.  What enlightenment, and from a wholly unexpected source.  Of course this enlightenment was ruled completely by self interest.  After all, if you could not tell who was paying the tax, you might not be able to charge them penalties.  But now this was solved.  They followed up their quantum leap forward with electronic forms but they had to build their own software for that.  The PDF still provided a sort of universal form medium.

Sadly, in Australia, proper PDFs remained only a dream.  PDF forms proliferated Down Under, but only ones you had to fill in by hand.  Sadly, no meaningful PDF forms you could fill in directly from the keyboard were forthcoming.  And so darkness ruled in Australia.  This probably explains both the Howard and Rudd governments.

But finally, today, October 10, 2013, I ran into my first Australian Government PDF form I could fill in from the keyboard.  It was an Australian Federal Police Criminal Check application form which is required by the company I currently contract for.  Of course, I did not realize this at first.  My hopes and expectations in this area have been so cruelly trodden down over and over again, I assumed it was the kind of form that required handwriting.  So I printed it out, and filled it in with a pen.  (Younger readers can Google “pen” to learn what those are).  But then, maybe because there is always a spark of hope that stays lit in all of us, or maybe I wanted to delay getting back to work for a few more precious seconds, I decided to try, one last forlorn time to see if maybe, just maybe, Australia had finally decided to climb out of the dark ages and embrace legible forms.  And my hopes and prayers were answered, by the Australian Federal Police. 

Who knows what the future of forms and form filling holds.  Perhaps one day, we will not need forms because we all have implants which tie us to the collective permanently.  I mean, were the Borg really that bad considering they produced 7 of 9 and all?  Of course, this would mean that the earth would be without forms.  What’s wrong with that?  Well, at the start of creation, the earth was without form according to Genesis.  An earth without forms would mean that after all of these thousands or millions of years (depending on your viewpoint) and all those wars, and calculus, and sliced bread and smart phones, the only thing we managed was to add an s to the state of the earth.  Well, I guess that is something, even if only a very little something.