Santa Claus Weighs In on the Fiscal Cliff and the Entitlement Economy

Originally written in 2012

WASHINGTON- AP The White House today released a statement detailing aspects of the Romney campaign hitherto unknown to the public.  According to the report, when Mitt Romney was secretly recorded accusing 47% of Americans of having an entitlement mentality, he also went on to accuse 68% of American children of having the same entitlement mentality.  Romney can be heard saying “Entitlement starts in childhood.  So many American children today feel they are owed presents from Santa Claus.”  Romney goes on to lament the passing of the good old days when children were expected to be good for goodness sake all year around in order to get presents from Santa.  Romney blamed Santa for relaxing this standard and thereby fostering the sense of entitlement in American children.

When asked why he did not use these inflammatory comments during the campaign, President Barak Obama said “Relations are strained with the North Pole at the moment.  I was dealing with two wars and I did not want to risk a third one.”  That relations have become this strained is a result of a number of factors.  During the Bush Administration, Santa Claus and the North Pole were placed on the terror watch list because of Santa’s refusal to divulge the secret of his stealth technology which allows him to fly over the world’s skies without detection.  Relations became still more strained when Mr. Claus’ plans to outsource present manufacturing and thereby enter the currency market threatened to destabilize the global economy.  Before the North Pole could make good on those plans, however, banks beat him to it and destabilized the global economy on their own and Santa withdrew his currency plans.  Relations hit an all time low when the US accused Mr. Claus of damaging a US spy plane over Iran by allowing his reindeer to drop what is known in military parlance as Solid Waste Projectiles (SWP) on the plane thereby destroying its navigation and flight systems.  Investigations on that incident are still ongoing but are hampered by bad relations with Iran, and Iran’s unwillingness to acknowledge the existence of Mr. Claus who derives his mystique from a decidedly Christian context.

In a statement released by Romney after the White House revelations, Romney strongly condemned any notion that America’s children were given an unbalanced sense of entitlement due to Santa.  In his statement Romney said:  “The Obama administration and the democratic party feed a sense of entitlement far better than Santa Claus ever could.”

In a bizarre twist, House speaker John Boehner said the White House revelations could derail any progress on fiscal cliff talks.  “The issue revolves around whether American households should be taxed on the presents they receive from Santa Claus,” said Mr. Boehner.  “While the Obama administration blames America’s wealthy for the situation we are in despite the fact our wealthy drive much of our economic growth, the President seems unwilling to also diminish the amount of entitlements middle and poor class Americans receive, and presents from Santa are a prime example.”  Mr. Boehner points out that the average value of presents has gone up through the centuries.  “In the old days, wooden toys and stockings filled with inexpensive candies were the norm.  Today children receive anything from iPads to the latest fashions.  These presents are worth hundreds of dollars.”

In support of Mr. Boehner’s claims, the American Bureau of Statistics today published the results of a five year study costing $10.2 billion which concludes that the value of presents from Santa Claus has risen from an average of $181.39 per household in 2000, to a staggering $858.27 today.  The report goes on to state that if these presents from Mr. Claus were treated as capital gains, the government could raise an additional $13.8 billion in revenue annually.  The report recommends that instead of treating the Christmas gifts as capital gains, they should be taxed as a fringe benefit and doing so would net the government $100 billion in revenue. Republicans point out that while this number is small compared to the national debt, allowing such taxation would send a signal that the Democrats are willing to compromise with regard to the fiscal cliff.

After the release of the American Bureau of Statistics report, the Retail Association of America has launched immediate court action against Santa Claus sighting damages to revenue from the practice of giving away free gifts to children.  Apple, Samsung, Microsoft and a host of other tech companies have also launched a lawsuit against Santa for patent infringements.  In a joint statement, the lawsuit claims that:  “Our respective companies spend hundreds of millions of dollars for research, development, and manufacture of the products we sell.  The practices of Mr. Claus and his cohorts infringe on our right to manufacture and sell these goods for profit.  Neither elf nor subcontractor employed by Mr. Claus has any right to copy or in any way manufacture our products.”

In response to the two lawsuits, the North Pole issued a statement which says in part:  “We regret the retail and tech lawsuits which have been launched against us and we will ignore them on the grounds that the United States cannot pinpoint our location despite trying for over two centuries.  The North Pole therefore acknowledges no jurisdiction of American courts nor do we intend to allow any foreign power to exercise authority over our domain.  But in the interests of restoring our kind hearted image, we do not believe that our practices lessen the profit of retailers or tech companies.”  The statement goes on to say that in order to hide the embarrassment of not being able to locate Santa Claus, his elves, his reindeer, or his manufacturing facilities, the American government allows parents and companies to deny the existence of Santa Claus.  This allows parents to claim expenses for presents actually given by Santa Claus as though they purchased them from department stores.  Companies are allowed to inflate sales and profit figures which has a positive effect on their share price.  Thus the North Pole does acknowledge that it illegally manufactures items invented by a number of companies, but it points out that since parents and companies can claim expenses and revenue respectively, the North Pole should be treated as an authorized distributor of goods rather than an illegal competitor.

To the allegation that free presents undercuts the profit making potential of companies, the North Pole statement counters that Christmas presents are random.  “No one knows what they will get so parents cannot assume their children will get what they want.  This means if they want to ensure their children have an iPad, their best course of action is to purchase one.”

Lawyers for both the Retail Association of America and the joint technology lawsuit vigorously reject the North Pole’s response and vow to pursue their lawsuits to the best of their ability.

So far, Mr. Claus has not commented on any of today’s developments directly.  Sources close to Mr. Claus assure us that Mr. Claus will continue to manufacture whatever he wants, when he wants and is not worried about the lawsuits.  Sources also say that Santa Claus hopes the fiscal cliff is avoided, and firmly prays that one day, 100% of American children, as well as 100% of the world’s children, will feel a sense of entitlement where his gifts are concerned.  After all, this world is hard enough as it is.  Children should be allowed to experience some joy, especially poorer children.  The North Pole did confirm that the naughty and nice scale does take economic, social, and environmental circumstances into account. “We will leave questions of taxation to the politicians and loby groups ,” a spokeself for Mr. Claus added, “and a hearty ho-ho-ho goes out to everyone this Christmas season.”