North Pole Claims Second Harry and Meghan Netflix Program is a Sham

 North Pole Claims Second Harry and Meghan Netflix Program is a Sham

CNN – In what has become a spate of sensational North Pole annual press conferences, the North Pole today commented on yet another Netflix documentary series about Harry and Meghan.  In December of this year, Netflix released a six-part documentary titled simply Harry and Meghan.  Today the North Pole revealed that a second Netflix series about the couple will be released in June of 2023 and that it will be titled Harry and Meghan, Here We Go Again.  According to the spokeself, who did not reveal his name, the documentary series makes some sensational accusations about the North Pole.

Meghan Markle reportedly says: “All I wanted to do was support the North Pole, but I don’t know, maybe they grew annoyed with me, but for no apparent reason, Santa Claus simply wouldn’t give me presents anymore.”  Meghan goes on to claim that she wrote numerous letters to Mr. and Mrs. Claus, having no other way to “ask them why they were mad at me.”  According to the North Pole, Meghan concludes that there is a systemic bias against talented and beautiful women at the North Pole.

Today, the spokeself countered Markle’s claims as follows.  “We do not deny we stopped making and giving presents to Megan Markle, This is true.  However, we only did so when she ceased to be a young child.  Meghan Markle continued to receive presents up to her 17^th birthday.  In fact, a number of us elves thought this was far too old, but Santa said one persistent child’s pleas would not hurt anyone so he looked the other way as it were.”

As to Markle’s letters, the spokeself produced an executive summary of the 73 letters sent by Markle from 1995 to 1998.  According to the North Pole, the letters were generally repetitions of the same theme, which was that Meghan had done nothing wrong and the cessation of presents from the North Pole could only be seen as an attempt to victimize her.  In two of the letters, Markle threatened to become a famous personality so she could expose all of the North Pole’s unreasonable bias against her. 

“Santa generally stops delivering presents to children when they begin the normal denial phase.  This is the phase in which children believe they are smart and deny Santa’s Existence,” said the spokeself.  “Of course, they eventually grow old enough to realize Santa does exist, along with his flying Reindeer and his base at the North Pole, but by then they are fully grown and no longer rely on presents from us.” 

Although this characterization of the North Pole by Markle might be interesting enough in its own right, the truly shocking claim made by Harry and Meghan, Here We Go Again is that before Mr. Claus converted to Christianity and then became a living saint, he was a somewhat naughty boy and had a daughter out of wedlock with a woman who is not Mrs. Claus.  According to the new documentary, this daughter married into European royalty and her direct descendants now occupy the British throne.  According to this intriguing theory, it is for this reason that the Crown has a special relationship with Santa Claus and that those of the blood line continue to receive presents even when they become full adults.  According to the documentary, Prince Harry informed his then fiancé of this view which led Meghan Markle to believe that if she married into the royal line, she would once again qualify for North Pole presents. 

When this failed to materialize, Prince Harry asked the British Home Secretary to investigate this theory once and for all.  The British Home Secretary agreed to do this.  This revelation by the North Pole has sent shockwaves through the world community because it reveals that England has intelligence assets capable of spying on the North Pole, something the Americans have been desperate to acquire since the George W. Bush administration.  The storm of controversy both the theory, hitherto unknown to the British public, and the claim of an intelligence probe by England forced Home Secretary Andrew Giles to respond within hours of the North Pole’s press conference.

In a statement, the Home Secretary confirmed that an investigation had been undertaken and that they found there was absolutely no merit to the idea the royal family was related to Santa in any way, shape, or form.  “We were unable to substantiate the claim that the man, Nicholas Bishop of Myra, who eventually became Santa Claus was known in his pre-Santa days for his kindness toward children and the poor was hiding anything or had done anything wrong in a Christian or indeed in any context.  We determined the reason he had such a fondness for children was that he and his wife, who eventually became Mrs. Claus, could not have any children of their own.”  For this reason, the statement concludes, “the British government has no reason to conclude that the royals are related to Santa in any way and that they have never, as adults, received any gifts from the North Pole.”

Dan Brown, Best selling author of The Da Vinci Code, a novel about a supposed daughter of Jesus Christ, released a statement via Mastodon which simply says:  “I want nothing to do with this theory.”

When asked whether he could make the actual report public, Home Secretary Giles dropped yet another bombshell on an already shaken reporter pool.  Home Secretary Giles claimed that the American CIA obtained the only copy of the report and hid it away wherever they hide away such documents.  The British government classified the report as Top Secret, so it is reasonable to conclude the Americans continued this classification.  Secretary Giles then went on to say that this was one of the classified documents then President Trump took with him to Mar-a-Lago and hid in one of the many boxes around the property. 

According to Giles, the British government somehow got wind of this and launched Operation Buffoon designed to get the report back into British hands.  Secretary Giles claims the operation was a success and the report is back in “the right hands.”  He declined, however, to release the report citing the need to keep British Intelligence assets secret.

However, after Secretary Giles’ revelations, the North Pole released an additional statement saying that MI6 had obtained this information by asking Santa Claus about this directly.  “Mr. and Mrs. Claus have nothing to hide,” said the statement.  Secretary Giles refused to comment.

CNN has since learned that MI6 recaptured the report by sending an agent to Mar-a-Lago posing as Meghan Markle Rothchild.  She was let in without having to clear security.  After asking around, the agent was able to put her hands on the precious report.  Both the United States and Donald Trump have refused to comment on any of these claims.    But this does highlight why the US Department of Justice is so keen to account for all classified documents taken to Mar-a-Lago.