The North Pole Accidentally Reveals the Future

 The North Pole Accidentally Reveals the Future

HELSINKI – Earlier today Santa Claus gave an extraordinary press conference, a press conference which President Biden said was “One of the most consequential press conferences in world history.”  Mr. Claus was forced to this measure because of a potentially catastrophic mistake made by one of his elves in the North Pole’s Public Relations department.  For reasons which Santa was forced to explain, it seemed that one of his elves sent out a press release meant for sometime in the early 22^nd century.  The revelations of that press release have sent shockwaves and chaos throughout the world on a number of fronts.  The Dow Jones fell 1186 points today.

 

According to the North Pole’s press release, humans will colonize and terraform Mars by the early 22^nd century, former President Trump’s great, great, great, grandson will become President of an entity called the United Colonies of Mars, and, most shockingly of all, Donald Trump V, as he is referred to by the press release, will be the leader of Progressive Democrats which will still stand in fierce opposition to the Republican party.    The entire press release is quoted below.

 

The North Pole is continuing its efforts to persuade President Donald Trump V, president of the United Colonies of Mars (UCM), to remove the force field which surrounds Earth.  This New Trump Wall, as the forcefield is known, prevents Santa Claus and his reindeer from delivering Christmas presents to children throughout the solar system.  The North Pole feels this causes children unnecessary sadness and heartache.

 

The North Pole acknowledges that the New Trump Wall was erected to stop unwanted immigrants from Earth to the UCM, but President Trump’s insertion of holographic projection technology into his wall which projects a flat earth universe has caused a new Dark Ages on Earth as well as a reintroduction of the once pervasive belief that Earth is the center of the universe and humanity represents the sole sentient beings God created.  It is therefore highly unlikely that the people of Earth will want to migrate to the outer planets since they no longer know those planets exist as such, let alone that they can be colonized or terraformed.  There is therefore no further need of the New Trump Wall. 

 

The North Pole calls upon all solar system leaders to join us in demanding that President Trump, to quote an earlier American President, “tear down this wall.”

 

Apparently, this was released in place of the one that was supposed to be released and which Mr. Claus did release immediately after his press conference.  As shocking as some of the elements in the “wrong” press release are, there were also many mysterious references which Mr. Claus was forced to explain.  Why, for instance, were the people of future earth so desperate to migrate to Martian colonies, so much so, that a forcefield was put into place?  How could another Dark Ages so easily descend upon Earth in light of all the technology we have?

 

As a result of this “wrong” press release, the Republican Party has been thrown into crisis.  President Trump convened an emergency family meeting at Mar-a-Largo where he reportedly came very close to disinheriting Donald Trump Junior in order to prevent one of his descendants from becoming a Progressive Democrat.  House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and senate majority leader Chuck Schumer released a joint video statement on all social media platforms which consists of the pair laughing hysterically.  The pair laughed so hard tears flowed freely from both of them.

 

Because of the importance of Santa Claus’ press conference, the entire transcript has been provided, along with the statement the North Pole was actually meant to release.  Santa Claus is designated as SC while reporter questions are simply marked as Reporter without distinguishing between reporters or the outlets they represent.

 

SC

I would like to thank the world for allowing me this opportunity to address concerns caused by our publication of the wrong press release.  I will begin with a short statement and summary, then open things up for questions.  I hope you can appreciate, however, that my time is short as preparations are well underway for our Christmas Eve present deliveries.

 

First and foremost, I apologize on behalf of myself, Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and all my elves for what happened.  It was an accident.  You see, being a saint, I sometimes consult with those other saints who have the gift of prophecy.  Christians should recall that the gift of prophecy is one of the gifts bestowed on certain individuals by the Holy Spirit.  I myself never had that gift, but I have access to those who do.  It is sometimes helpful for us at the North Pole to know what will happen in advance.  I consulted with Moses a couple of months ago and I asked Moses to write the press release for 2117 since he had some spare time.  It was meant to be archived, but the head librarian elf, whose name coincidentally is Bibliothecarius (NOTE: this means librarian in Latin), ho ho ho, we call him Bibs for short, mistook that draft press release for the one we were meant to release this year and that is how this came about. Bibs is naturally upset by his mistake, but given the North Pole library is full of material from past, present, and future, such a mistake was inevitable.  I have directed our Public Relations Department to release our statement for this year immediately after this press conference.  I will now open this up for questions, ho ho ho.

 

REPORTER

Mr. Claus, can you explain why the people of earth will want to migrate to Mars in the future?

 

SC

Ho ho ho.  I shouldn’t reveal too much of the future but I can say that according to Moses and Elijah, 2021 marks the beginning of true space exploration by humans thanks to SpaceX and Blue Origin.  Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos, in 2021, that is this year, ho ho ho, began an era of space privatization and exploration which will be absolutely crucial for the colonization of our solar system.    As colonies begin to form, the polarization of earth between autocratic governments and socially progressive ones will increase, so much so, that socially progressive people will be much more inclined to start a bold new life elsewhere in the solar system leaving the Earth to increasingly autocratic rule.  This will mean an earth dominated by the Chinese Communist Party, a Russian dictatorship, and an America ruled by an autocratic and nondemocratic Republican Party.  However, deteriorating conditions on Earth due to climate change and an increasing disregard for science will lead to a wave of migrants trying to get off of earth and to the lunar and planetary colonies.

 

REPORTER (amid a cacophony of desperate reporters trying to ask questions).

Is this future fixed or can we change it?

 

SC

Ho ho ho, humanity always thinks it is in control of the future.  The fact is I’m not entirely sure.  We did have a crisis meeting in the heavenly courts over this.  God was actually pretty amused by the whole thing, ho ho ho.  In fact, she . . . uh. . .well, too late now, ho ho ho, she stated, well, never mind.  That is protected by Executive Privilege so I cannot say what God stated in this instance.  But basically, the future is not fixed when it comes to what God will do.  If God says she. . uh. . ..he will build up a nation, but that nation becomes wicked, then God will not build up that nation.  The reverse is true.  But as far as I am aware, that is the only situation in which the future is uncertain.  We have other examples in which the future was fixed.  Israel came out of Egypt after 400 years of affliction exactly as foretold.  Israel served exactly 70 years of Babylonian captivity and so on.  So while I personally do not know if these revelations mean the future Moses describes will change, now that you all know it, I would say it is fixed, yes, fixed.  (an audible sigh ripples through the press conference).

 

REPORTER

How is it that people are able to look into the future?  I know you would probably say this comes from God, but surely there is a scientific explanation for how this is possible. I personally don’t believe it is possible to predict the future and there are millions who agree with me.

 

SC

Ho ho ho.  Once again we see the hubris of our species thinking we know how the universe works based on our limited understanding.  For me to answer your question, I will answer another question you might ask, which is why would a forcefield prevent us from distributing gifts to children outside of that forcefield given we deliver millions of presents in such a short time without being detected.  Wouldn’t our technology be able to counter such a forcefield?  The technology employed by myself and my reindeer is based on tesseract drive technology.  This means we fold space and time.  This is why I am able to slide down a chimney, deliver the presents, then relax while I eat the milk and cookies left for me before I get back into my sleigh.  We then fold time and space to get to the next house.  And then, you know, ho ho ho, when we have delivered all the presents, we return ourselves to a point in time before our Christmas Eve run so we can relax and enjoy Christmas ourselves.  This puts the North Pole about a day and a half out of sync with the rest of you.  When we finish celebrating Christmas, we then fold space and time and come to rest a couple of seconds into your future while our elf scientists move a few days into your past.  This means we do not exist in your present and that should explain why you cannot find us.  Anyway, we currently call our technology the Enhanced Delivery Tesseract Drive but Moses tells us that in the future, we will simply refer to this as the Dasher Drive.  At any rate, ho ho ho, the Dasher Drive will allow us to get past President Trump’s New Wall, but in doing that, we would damage the Earth further so we want to avoid that.

 

REPORTER

(stuttering in shock) why. . .I mean why do some of your elves dwell in the past, while you dwell in our future?

 

SC

Ho ho ho.  My elf scientists dwell in the past so we can invent things like iPads, Play Stations and the like.  (Raising his hand), oh I know you think Apple, Google, and Sony come up with these things but that’s not true.  We do, which is why the North Pole has never infringed patent rights.  When we invent these things, we release that information into the universe – that is the best way I can explain it – and some people are wired to pick up that vibration in the universe and so they “invent” these things.  But since we dwell in the past, we came up with that first.  As for why the rest of us live in your future, we used to live in your present.  But the Throne grew concerned we were aiding and abetting the lie that I don’t exist.  By moving into the future, that lie became true.  I don’t exist in your present most of the time anyway.  So basically we moved a little way into your future for ethical reasons ho ho ho.

 

And now I really must go, ho ho ho.  The children of the world are counting on us. 

 

REPORTER

But there is so much knowledge you have, so much science you understand.  Won’t you help us and give us the knowledge we need to get through?

 

SC

(pauses) ho ho ho, that is a very nice thing to say and wish for I must admit.  If you were a child I might even try to grant it to some extent ho ho ho.  In fact, I note you asked your son to write to me asking for proof of the Riemann Hypothesis one way or the other.  That was kind of cute, ho ho ho.  I am sorry to have to tell you that this is protected by executive privilege.   But no, the truth is humanity is better if it figures things out on its own.  If I or others gave you all the answers, you would cease to be curious.  I know our accidental press release reveals a stunning glimpse into our future, but perhaps this is necessary for the human journey to end well.  Remember there is a future beyond that too.  But for now, drop your hostility toward one another.  Wish for peace on earth and good well to everyone.  Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas.

 

And with that, Santa Claus boarded his sleigh and disappeared. World scientists suspect he invoked his Dasher drive to vanish into our future.  It will take decades to sift through the ramifications of these amazing revelations. 

 

And finally, here is the press release that was meant for us in 2021.

 

Last year it was reported that a letter was sent to the North Pole asking for a doctored Dominion voting machine.  The letter is supposedly from one of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s young relatives but debate continues to rage today as to whether former President Trump authored the letter.    The New York Times was able to uncover the letter in part.  The New York Times did not have access to the extensive PS which was included and that, if revealed, would remove all doubt as to who authored the letter.  In the interests of transparency, the head Elf Librarian Bibs has authorized the release of the entire letter.  It reads as follows.

 

Dear Santa,

I have been a good child all year.  In fact, I have been the most good child in history.  It’s unbelievable how good I am.

Please give me a doctored Dominion voting machine that will flip votes for my Nana’s friend Joe Biden so he can win the election.

You see what I really want for Christmas is for officials, legislatures, and Supreme Court Justices to have the wisdom and courage to stand up for America and I know such a doctored machine as this will help them find such wisdom and courage.

PS

people are saying elves are marching in  DC on January 6th to celebrate the feast of the three kings - King Kim, King Vlad, and King Erdo. They have seen my star in the East and  will come to worship me- the biggest, shiniest, brightest most beautiful star ever- bigger than any star on Dancing with the Stars (not like those nasty women Megan Rapinoe and Omarosa)- My star is huuuuuge!  North pole don’t forget Lindsay also bows down and worships me every day so bring him a bone ! Also I pardoned Mitch McConnell at Thanksgiving because he confirmed Neil, Brett and Amy- so bring him some turkey feed!

 And for my  Eric – he is very smart not like Hunter Biden- Everyone is saying he’s a real hero and loves  real American heroes like Captain Underpants and Spiderman- also bring some comics for my Don junior so he doesn’t fight with Eric to look at the pictures- because they can’t read anything except The art of the deal- It’s such a great book! The best art book ever!-even Eric can read it

Ok north pole- now I’m signing off.  I hope you like my big sharpie signature.

Note:  The North Pole corrected many spelling and grammatical errors for readability purposes.

Republican House member Liz Cheney, and a member of the Congressional committee investigating the January 6 insurrection told CNBC that “The inclusion of the PS leaves no doubt that Trump wrote the letter and tried to pretend he was a young Pelosi relative.  And since Trump appears to have foreshadowed a ‘celebration’ on January 6, the congressional committee investigating the events of January 6 are very interested in this.”  This year’s press release leaves one haunting unanswered question.  The world did not know about the elf head librarian known as Bibs until the accidental press release from the year 2117.  Did the 2021 press release anticipate this accident, or is it merely a coincidence this now world famous elf was mentioned?  This remains one of the most intriguing Christmas mysteries ever.

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE

I would like to thank two work colleagues of mine for helping me with the ideas expressed here.  Rowen Sarandon came up with Donald Trump’s great, great, great Grandson being the Progressive Democratic President of Mars and with the forcefield projecting a flat earth cosmos.  Denis Lobo came up with the PS which I edited slightly.

 

And with another year gone by, I would like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas.