North Pole Union One Step Closer

North Pole Union One Step Closer

BBC London – As a result of the Brexit, as well as mounting pressure on Europe to stay together, calls have been increasing for the North Pole to form its own political block.  What first began as an outrageous proposal from French Nationalist Marion Le Pen, has gathered significant momentum in the months after the shock Brexit referendum result.  Combined with instability in Greece, Italy, and Portugal, where the European Union is concerned, the North Pole Union is one step closer, though still a long ways off, to becoming a reality.  For now, the idea of a North Pole Union is gaining ground in academic as well as economic circles.

The idea of a North Pole union was given a significant boost last month when noted Economist and Nobel Laureate Miklós  Lófasz suggested that a North Pole Union made more sense for European countries than the current EU.  His comments were published in the November issue of The Economist.  Said Lófasz, “The idea of a European Union was, in part, based on ideals held by academics wearing rose colored glasses.  Having a central, unelected parliament answerable to virtually no one only works in the world of theory.  And while such a structure could work in reality, it could only do so if the central authority were fair, impartial, benevolent, and competent.  In the light of the EU after so many years of its existence, one is forced to question whether the current government in Brussels possesses any of these qualities.  Santa Claus, on the other hand ticks all the boxes.”

When pressed on how a North Pole Union would make more economic sense, Lófasz pointed out that Santa Claus’ magic seems to have gotten around all the hurdles and difficulties brought about by a currency.  “There can be no doubt,” said Lófasz, “that the North Pole has operated for centuries without any sign of labor disputes, unionization, protests, or recessions.  No other developed world economy can say the same.”

Bolstered by Dr. Lófasz’ comments, Le Pen seized on the North Pole’s closed immigration policy as another shining example of North Pole competence.  “Europe is not flooded with disaffected elves,” said Le Pen, “nor with any refugees.”  In a scathing rebuttal in Parliament, François Hollande pointed out that the North Pole is also extremely restrictive when it comes to trade policy and that adopting closed immigration policies to the extremes that the North Pole implements would ruin the economies of any nation silly enough to join such a union.  Given Hollande is perhaps the most unpopular French leader of all time, however, his comments were drowned out by a chorus of unexpected agreement with Le Pen.  Le Pen also went on to point out that the North Pole does not allow Muslims in its territory.  This was met with more agreement.  When Boris Johnson was spotted in Le Pen’s company shortly after her comments, speculation in Brittan flooded social media and media outlets in general that Johnson’s stance on Brexit was actually the first stage in a long-term plan to bring in a North Pole union.

The BBC approached a number of economists and asked them to respond to Dr Lófasz’ comments.  Most suggested his comments grossly simplified the economics of such a union.  Peter Devin, Professor of Economics at Harvard, said:  “Santa’s magic where a lack of currency is concerned, is a big unknown.  We simply have no experience in dealing with economies in which things are given away for free, and the year-round manufacturing process seems to entail no wages of any kind. “  Most economists reject Lófasz’s comments stating that the sustainability of such an economy is something which cannot truly be understood.  Hillary Clinton unexpectedly weighed into the debate when she tweeted:  “Only elves work at NP.  Discrimination.”

When the BBC approached the North Pole for comment, a spokeself told us that Santa Claus had no comments about a possible North Pole Union.  We did, however, get some unexpected commentary from the Vatican.

Pope Francis I agreed to a brief interview with the BBC on the subject and his comments were most illuminating.  The Pope said that the Church was obligated to support a North Pole Union because Santa Claus “is a living saint.”  Pope Francis elucidated on this by saying:  “You see most saints are dead.  And while it is true they reside in heaven, communication with said saints is sparse at best.  The Church acknowledges that prayers to these saints is mostly one-way communication.  Saint Nicolas, whom you call Santa Claus, is different.  He is living and still has interaction with us, all be it only once a year.  But since he is a living saint with special access to the throne, we have to follow him if he decides to act politically.”  The Pope said that this had been discussed in prior ages and some hurdles remained to a formal union between the North Pole and the Vatican.  He then referred to Vatican Archivist Father Francisco Vega who was kind enough to supply some hitherto unknown history on the subject.

“In the days of the early church,” said Vega, “the ultimate authority in the church consisted of a council of bishops.  Over time, the Pope asserted his authority as the Supreme Bishop but as everyone knows, this was rejected by the Orthodox Church and by Saint Nicolas himself.  Most Catholics would be shocked to learn that Saint Nicolas sides with the Orthodox Church on the issue of papal supremacy.  You see if the Church reverted back to the days when all bishops were equal, then Saint Nicolas would participate in church councils once again to shape the direction of the church.  Popes Gregory I, Gregory VII, and Innocent III actually tried to force Saint Nicolas to accept papal authority as the supreme vicar of Christ on earth, but Saint Nicolas refused.  Most popes have let this go and have not tried to bring the North Pole back into the church.”

 It would be extremely difficult for Francis I to assert papal supremacy should Saint Nicolas, or Santa Claus as he is more affectionately known, chooses to influence the direction of the church.  The Patriarch of Constantinople Bartholomew I told the BBC directly that the Orthodox Church would welcome the leadership of a living Saint.  “We long for the day when East and West can once again sit in a council of bishops as equals and Bishop Nicolas, for so he was and still is, would have an honoured seat at any church Council.”  His comments sparked a wave of North Pole support in Greece, Russia, Serbia, and Latvia, as well as many other countries where the Orthodox church has sway.  This in turn sparked renewed fears of a Greek exit from Europe and stock markets responded with dramatic falls.

A crisis meeting is scheduled in Brussels in which leaders of EU countries will discuss the rising tide of support for  a North Pole Union at the expense of the European Union. 

The BBC will cover these crisis talks in full when they occur in January.  For now, however, the North Pole has issued no statement with respect to whether the North Pole plans to assume any sort of political leadership.  We can only assume that presents will be delivered to children worldwide on schedule.