US Government Sues Santa

US Government Sues Santa

WASHINGTON (AP) – The US Department of Justice today filed a lawsuit against Santa Claus claiming Santa has violated both US privacy and environmental legislation. According to the Department of Justice, Santa Claus monitors every child’s actions, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to determine whether they have been naughty or nice. This violates the privacy of both child and parents. Responding to the argument that Santa only does this in order to determine what, if any, presents would be given to the child for Christmas, government attorney James Williams responded: “Such an invasion of privacy is against the law under any circumstances. It does not matter whether Mr. Claus had benevolent, or supposedly benevolent intentions.”

The Justice Department also sited a number of environmental violations. The government claims that in order for Mr. Claus’ reindeer to fly so quickly around the world, they must consume huge quantities of vegetation. According to statistics provided by the Department of Justice to support the lawsuit, the amount of deforestation required to feed the reindeer staggers the mind. The lawsuit alleges, for example, that large portions of the Amazon are being cleared each year to feed the reindeer. In addition to the eight main reindeer, the suit alleges that Mr. Clause must feed and house a number of alternate reindeer as well as their families. The lawsuit also alleges that huge amounts of methane are released into the atmosphere as a result of the vast quantities of food consumed by the reindeer. The suit alleges that Mr. Claus is responsible for up to 15.8% of all green house gas emissions released into earth’s atmosphere each year.

Claude de Taureaumerde, an expert in logistics and strategic planning commented: “It would be ridiculous to believe Santa Claus has only one alternate reindeer. Rudolph cannot be the only one waiting in the wings, as it were, in case something goes wrong.” Mr. de Taureaumerde goes on to speculate that Mr. Claus probably has at least six or seven alternates. “You also have young reindeer that need to be trained. The first team reindeer must go on numerous practice flights throughout the year, and young trainee reindeer must also practice somehow.” This only adds to the deforestation and amounts of methane released into the atmosphere. According to de Taureaumerde and other experts consulted for this story, even if one assumes the reindeer actually flying the sleigh produce little or no waste because all their stored energy is taken up during the flight, the amounts of methane released by those reindeer who are fed, but do not actually take part in the annual Christmas Eve flight, could be difficult for Mr. Claus to explain.

The US Government has, for many years, maintained that the veil of secrecy surrounding Mr. Claus operation is unacceptable. In a speech given to Republican Party campaign contributors in Christmas of 2005, George W. Bush went so far as to say: “For all we know, Claus could be supporting terrorists. Who knows what he’s hiding under the snow. UN inspectors are absolutely essential in order to reassure the community of well intentioned nations that nothing sinister is going on.” Indeed, we now know that the government has been probing Claus’ finances for a number of years, trying to trace the source of his funding.

In response to the lawsuit, Mr. Claus issued the following statement through a public relations elf. “We do acknowledge that monitoring of children does take place. However, this fact has been known for generations and in all that time, not one parent has ever protested our actions. We would also like to point out that we do this purely to make sure only those children who deserve presents get presents. I and my family and workers reside outside the United States, and are therefore not subject to United States Law in this regard. The US government employs spy satellites to monitor other countries without their permission. How is this not an invasion of privacy? Finally, on this point, all evaluations with respect to children are kept strictly in confidence. Records are destroyed after Christmas and the naughty and nice evaluations which are made only apply to the current year. No historical records are kept because future evaluations should not be influenced by the past.”

Experts believe the US government will have difficulty prosecuting Santa with respect to privacy. Of more concern to Santa, is his alleged environmental violations. In a shock move, Claus has hired former Vice President Al Gore to represent him in this matter. Gore’s endorsement is seen as a major public relations coup for Mr. Claus.

When asked to explain the charges of deforestation, Mr. Gore responded: “Mr. Claus’ reindeer do not require the massive amounts of food stated in the lawsuit because they achieve their flight by means of magic. Since the concept of magic is not easily explained let me provide an analogy. Santa’s reindeer achieve their Christmas flight using the same mechanism by which George W. Bush increases defence spending exponentially, cuts taxes, reduces debt and at the same time balances the budget.”

Protestors are already gathering outside the capital to express their opposition to the lawsuit. The United Nations is also expected to weigh in on the debate. The present administration may have just opened itself up to a vast storm of criticism although many White House critics speculate this lawsuit is meant solely to deflect criticism against the President for his handling of the Iraq war and the increasing instability of the economy.

A Pentagon source said that some compromise might be reached between Mr. Claus and the US government. “We want to know how Santa manages to monitor such vast numbers of children in such detail. Such knowledge could be of tremendous value to the US military.” The Pentagon source also went on to say that Santa’s sleigh seems to employ stealth technology vastly superior to anything the United States currently possesses or employs. “Most children receive presents without seeing or hearing anything,” the source said. The United States may be hoping to pressure Santa into trading some of his technology for immunity from prosecution.

There are a number of political and military interests involved and whatever happens, it would appear this lawsuit will drag on for months before any resolution is reached.